A visit to a Death Café

On first glance the word Death Café could be somewhat off putting but recently I had the pleasure to attend one with some work colleagues. I decided that I would share some of this experience with you this month, as I believe it was an experience that many other people would like to learn a little about and perhaps attend for themselves. The idea of the Death Café originates with the Swiss sociologist and anthropologist Bernard Crettaz, who organized the first one in 2004. They have since been held in several countries, across the world and continue to grow in popularity.

At a Death Cafe people, usually strangers, gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death. The objective is to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives'. The Death Cafe is a group directed discussion of death often with no agenda, objectives or themes. It is a discussion group rather than a grief support or counselling session.

So, what brought me to a Death Café?

In my personal life, like most people, I have been faced with bereavement and loss. It is something that for the most part is seldom discussed and often left to each individual to explore internally. In Ireland we have a tradition of, as a friend of mine would say, “doing funerals well”. The very nature of the Irish funeral and religious ceremony affords people time, space, dignity and a comfort that is befitting of the cultural setting in which generations of our loved ones before having enjoyed.

But nowadays as we evolve as a nation our connections are more challenged and fraught with difficulties. In an era of social connectivity many people are now more isolated than ever. Our fantastic multicultural population is representative of many diverse backgrounds from across the world. Too often, in the past these differences have been the focus of violence and indifference, but a Death Café presents an opportunity to discuss the most unavoidable fact of life in a different manner.

I myself have an keen interest in counselling and psychotherapeutic support for bereavement and palliative care. What encourages me in this field is the sheer honesty of people and families I meet. There is no room for heirs or graces, rather it is a time for reflection, sharing and challenging the “ought to be” moments in life.

The icebreaker

Arriving to this event I was unsure of what to expect but on arrival I was first greeted by the beautiful sight of some of the most amazing cakes I have every seen. This became the ice breaker for the evening and people began to gently mingle and before long the evenings facilitator has us broken up into smaller groups for discussion. All in all, the evening lasted for an hour and a half. During this time, I was privileged to experience the stories of strangers whom I will probably never meet again. Their accounts of past bereavement and some of current illness brought a group of us strangers closer together than I could have imagined. There was an authenticity in the room that I have seldom experienced. But it was not a sad place, in fact it was often raucous with laughter amid the tears.

Essentially for me, what I took away was a broader knowledge of what death means to me personally. Several of us commented on the night, that there was more discussion about life than death and that was the fact. Because out of the topic of death came the opportunity for people to discuss how they live their lives at present. The overwhelming feedback was that quite often when faced with our mortality, we get a sudden appreciation for life and it has the power to inspire enormous achievements or indeed simple satisfactions. In death we are faced with an ending and for me I believe that endings need to be managed carefully in order to protect and respect all parties. So, what better way to do this, than through open, honest conversation. As I finish, I am keen to remind that a Death Café is a non-denominational event, on a not for profit basis, in an accessible, respectful and confidential space. There is no intention of leading people to any conclusion, product or course of action. Rather it is a space to express and to listen. Alongside refreshing drinks, nourishing food – and cake!

Best wishes

Colin